Breast ironing

Breast ironing otherwise known breast flattening is a kind of female mutilation where a girl’s breast is pounded using hard or heated objects such as stones in order to make them disappear or stop growing. This culture of breast ironing originated from Cameroon and it was first publicly written about in 2006. Breast for most […]

Breast ironing

Closure

Closure or need for closure (NFC) (used interchangeably with need for cognitive closure (NFCC)) are social psychological terms that describe an individual’s desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity. The term “need” denotes a motivated tendency to seek out information. -Wikkipedia When it comes to close and personal Relationships it’s always a matter of the heart, […]

Closure

You got this now more than ever!

Sometimes it becomes important to just step back alittle and tap yourself on your shoulder, and affirm strongly that you got this. We all need to hear positive affirmations about life, but better still being able to speak the same over our lives is vital.

Today choose positivity and speak it over your life, in every aspect of it.

I have this under control! I believe I can!

In the midst of all struggles and obstacles find a voice within you to affirm that you have everything under control.

Let’s redefine this,

Redefining rape and consent.

We all know and maybe have a standard definition of what it means to be abused sexually, and from this definition, we form our opinions. However, it proves vital to look at the real meaning of this word because whether we know it or not there is more to it than just being taken to a dark room by a weird-looking person and then him forcing himself on you. There is more to it than just being lured into the bushes and being molested, there is certainly more to it than being drugged and finding yourself naked in an unknown location.

Gone are the days where we had to see tattered clothes for us to assert that rape has taken place. And in these recent days even seeing blood may not be proof enough that an act of sexual abuse took place. This being beside the point, it goes without saying that there is more to it. In this case one needs to know that there are various forms of rape and sexual abuse where some may go unnoticed by the victim, this to say that you may not be able to tell that you were raped.

The number one form is where there was consent yet the victim was bound and it is commonly known as the acquaintance rape. This is a clear case of, “it is either you do it or this and this will happen”, with this type of sexual abuse, the perpetrator would claim that he/she had consent yet the victim was in no position to say no. A good example would be this, a boy and a girl/lady find themselves in a lonely place together and immediately for one the idea is to have sex. The girl does not want to but because her boyfriend says so, she is confused about whether to give in or not and before she knows it, everything has already happened but she has no idea what exactly transpired.

Just because there was consent or just because you were coerced into it does not make it less of a sexual offense. You were raped and had no idea it was even rape. Most of the time the victims of this kind of rape have no idea that just because there was prior consent then they cannot say no. Remember that sexual consent can be revoked anytime. And to make it more palatable, just because you started it does not mean that you have to go all the way. If the deal was to just make out and he took it all the way, then most definitely that was rape.

The second one would be the marital type of rape which is closely related to the latter form. It happens between two married people. This could be a bit bewildering but it is most certainly true.  Many would argue that the two are married and so there is every right for either of them to demand sex at any given time regardless of any circumstance. However, looking back at the standard definition of rape; the act of forcing sexual intercourse upon another person without his or her consent or against his or her will, there is a clear indication that irrespective of you being in a marriage, If your spouse takes or has sex with you without your consent, that is still rape which is, by all means, a great offense punishable by the law. Nobody whatsoever has the right over your body and better still over your sexuality.

The 3rd form is the incest form of rape. It is a sexual offense on its own both legally and morally and most times, it is still a regarded as rape. Since this form of sexual practice happens either between parents and children, uncles and nieces/nephews, or between aunts and nieces/nephews, then it can still be a form of rape. The law which varies between different states, most times punishes the perpetrators with rape charges. It is to be noted that family members account for 7% of all rape cases.

Rape may take many other forms but regardless there is a need for every victim to understand that it was never their fault but that of the rapist.

Never blame yourself for what happened.

QUICK FACTS ABOUT CONSENT

  1. It should be a clear yes
  2. It is subject to change( just because the person consented to it one time does not mean that it will always be like that)
  3. It should be enthusiastic.
  4. It should be not be forced, i.e. It should be freely given.
  5. It should not be assumed.

Be Still and go through the process


I am not that much of a heavy sleeper, and so when my brother woke up today at around six am to watch TV I was very annoyed. I just do not understand how you can wake up that early and think of nothing else but watching TV loudly. It was rather annoying but when he tuned in to BBC (or so I think), the speaker drew my attention to listen in. It was Joe Biden, the US presidential Candidate.

Well, recalling all that he said would be a hard task for me, but even in my state of dizziness and annoyance, I could still remember him saying this, be still and go through the process. This I think would be the first most insightful thing to hear this morning apart from hearing my younger brother telling my mom that he is no longer four years old. This was insightful for me because as I thought about it, it dawned on me that the young man was somehow realizing that growth in time was taking place in him.

Now back to Joe Biden, the point I decided to take home was, going through the process. It had me thinking of how sometimes I pray and hope to start a new journey and whenever that happens, I always desire that it go by quickly so that I can start the next one and the cycle goes on.

I have often heard from one of my friends, Maggy, trust the process, and at that time, it makes no sense to me whatever she is saying. Now listening and thinking about two statements I feel like there’s more to it than just trusting and going through the process.

It means to me that I ought to stay and learn from every aspect of life, which now forms the process from one point to another. It means that there ought to be moments of learning, making mistakes, falling, rising, accepting, rejecting, and all these forms the process. Moreover, taking examples of my chemistry classes in high school, there was not any process that did not require serious analysis. I cannot just move from point A and go to C without going through B. Therefore, from this am deducing the importance of going through every step of every process I am going through.

Trust and go through the process of learning and growing.

Try putting all the pieces together to complete the process.

Dig Deeper

I recently came across a quote in one of the blogs I was reading some days ago, and as concise as it seems it got me thinking hard. The quote read treasures do not lie at the surface. Moreover, as I carefully sought to understand this quote, it got more and more intense. From understanding the surface meaning of it, that you simply cannot find the treasure by digging a few feet into the ground, it began dawning on me that there was more to it than the eye could see and the mind could comprehend.

It got me thinking of how sometimes I do little things expecting big results, for example investing little time in my studies and later on expecting that the exam will be favorable to me. Watching trailers and thinking that I have watched the whole movie (this is debatable because it is sometimes more interesting to watch the trailer than the whole movie) and many other things I do with the hope of brighter days. I am sure am not alone in this, think about the things you have done knowing very well that they were not simply enough and still you expected to get the best out of them. Well, we are all human and we are bound to make mistakes, so it is only right to embrace those experiences and take lessons from them.

I am slowly coming to terms with what the quote means for me and how I live through life. Gradually I am learning that it is not enough to want to be great in life but there is a dire need to input in extra effort in what I do if at all I will want to see the great outcome. Although it may be time-consuming and tiring to give my best the result is worth all of it.  It is a wake-up call for me to ensure always that whatever I give it all I have however how minute it may seem.

It is also possible for you my dear reader to step up and ensure that you do your best and love whatever it is you are doing, regardless of whether or not there is any form of appreciation. Looking back at what you have achieved and knowing that you gave it your best is a feeling more compelling than any other.

Decide to work hard today no matter what the circumstances may be. In your workplace, school, home, office, and anywhere else you may be called upon to invest your time and effort, do it diligently. Remember you cannot find treasure on the surface, and this means that you cannot find success by just sitting and hoping.

All is well

It will get better, it is already better, even when we cannot feel it somehow things are falling into place.

Trust the process and be ready for the journey. It may not be easy but as long as you are moving, as long as you are trying things will get better.

Faith as I have come to know, gives rest, believe today that things will go well with you. You cannot believe and worry at the same time, choose one.

Brighter days are coming, better times are yet to come, hold on to that hope and smile.

It will get better for you.

It has a name

Impromptu Syndrome

For weeks now, I have been feeling traumatized and somehow out of place but the funny thing was that I had no idea I was becoming a mess. Things around me were very normal and anyone would have termed me a liar if I told them that things were not as they seem. My heart and mind were heavy with overwhelming and crippling thoughts. If I were to try to point out specific issues, I would say that I felt like I had had enough of everything in life. It’s not like I was becoming suicidal, no, as a matter of fact, I was still hoping to live on, but I was not interested in anything else other than ensuring that day and night came and went by without me having to think about my life.

I remember telling a friend one time of how many things I had to do and accomplish, from blogging, reading, video editing, going out, and even with all that on my plate, it felt so empty and meaningless. Social media worsened this, I did not quite quit on that, and it felt like I was becoming addicted to it. I was slowly drowning in the virtual world that it somehow defined what and who I was becoming. However, this also came with its fair share of misery, I would look at what people were accomplishing on various platforms and suddenly this would make me snap back to reality. Young bloggers and writers winning awards, people becoming successful, and becoming better by day bothered and made me feel so unworthy of life.

This did not a tale from ten years ago; we are talking about the last three weeks. Things are however changing, and I am now actualizing what they say, that nothing lasts forever. My breakthrough came two days ago after reading a post by an amazing blogger,Made of Still as she is known. Her eye-opening post on Imposter Syndrome tapped into my soul and I become alive again with a new understanding of life. It turned out that all the feelings of uncertainty and confusion, feeling unworthy and rejecting myself, all this had and have a name to it, Impromptu Syndrome. 

Imposter syndrome can be defined as the idea that you are not as competent as others are or that you have become successful out of luck and not your effort or talent. It is characterized by the fears of being found out as a fraud like you do not belong where you are and you are purely there out of chance. According to Arlin Cuncic, some of the common signs of imposter syndrome include

  • Self-doubt
  • Berating your performance
  • Fear that you won’t live up to expectations
  • Overachieving
  • Attributing your success to external factors and other people

These are just but a few signs, so if the next time you do something and feel like you did not deserve the recognition for it, then it just might be the imposter syndrome. The important thing to note is that it is possible to overcome this and become the best at what you do.

Some of the ways to overcome the syndrome would be

  • Speaking out- The last thing to do is to think that we have to handle things alone. Pray about it, share it with others and it is most probable that together you will be able to come out of it victorious.
  • Do not rush things- take one step at a time; otherwise, it can become overwhelming by the day. Also, better results are likely to be achieved if you focus on an issue individually.  Take it one day at a time.
  • Use social media for the right purpose- taking long hours on social media can induce feelings of inferiority, which could be coming from comparison with other people.
  • Assess your thoughts- weigh whether your thoughts are rational or worth thinking about. Does it make sense to feel incompetent?

If you are feeling unworthy or like an imposter, it only means, that there is a level of success and capability in you, which you are attributing to chance. Instead, try turning that into an opportunity to thank and appreciate your efforts and find new motivation in it.

You can learn more about Imposter syndrome Here .

Pursuit for Purpose

Mark Twain once said that the two most important days in a human life are, the day he is born and the day he realizes why. This really got me thinking of how much I celebrate the day I was born. It feels so special and I think that’s exactly how it should be.  But I am not sure whether I really know why I was born, to make changes in the world maybe, be the change, influence the world around me, all of these could pass off as the reason why I was born. I may not know exactly what my purpose is for now and I am hopeful that the road am taking will lead me there. I am also hoping that you my dear reader are also in pursuit for your purpose.

Knowing what we were created for changes the whole manner of our living and being alive. You will no longer need to do things with fear and uncertainty and most importantly you will not have to waste your time on the wrong people or things. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we were able to just wake up and do things knowing that whatever we are doing is what we should be doing? I know I would love to feel that. Sometimes it’s not easy to do things or pursue dreams especially when the road seems bumpy, and I have often times than not found myself opting for the easy way out.

The first step towards that journey is usually the hardest and I have had to learn this fact the hardest way. Not that I have taken all the first steps in life but the ones I have are a proof that the fear of the unknown is just in my head and that  I can do anything I put my mind to. I say this of course not being oblivious of the kind of real world we are living in. It only seems hard before you start it but after taking the leap of faith then the road seems clearer. 

The journey may not be easy but most important thing is that you tried and no matter how many the failures there maybe they are just a proof of the many trials and how much effort you put.